Of Text Messages & Phone Calls

I noticed how my "love life" has been running my "life" as of late. Darn it, all I talk about is my heart's qualms. Must be such a bitch for you to read about it every single time.

The 2nd reason I created this blog, aside from the fact that I need a place of refuge, it's also my medium to communicate with my friends. I've got different friends from different groups (I'm not really into group of friends) and sometimes it gets exhausting to tell them the same long detailed story you've told your other friends. So to be fair, here's my life, on the internet, at your disposal.

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It's been a month and a few days since A and I started dating. And along that short span of time, I've gotten to know him a tad better. He's 26, an IT consultant for one of the biggest IT companies in the world, driven, and ambitious. I mentioned in the past that he's leaving for Australia early next year to take his Master's.

Just this evening, I happily bumped onto him online and asked what he was busy with. He says he's fixing his recommendations. I knew what that meant. Then I started getting cold and silent again. (Since this isn't the first time it happened)

What do you do when you know this dance has a big chance of coming into a halt once he leaves?

That would mean not seeing him face-to-face for a year, not knowing his whereabouts, and clueless of the people he meets there. How am I gonna face this when his text messages aren't even enough to make me feel secure? What more a long-distance budding "relationship"?

I'm the kind who heavily relies on text conversation. Even though the emotions and meanings aren't perfectly conveyed, it did work for me, for the past 3 relationships I've had. Unfortunately for me, A is a bit uncomfortable with this setup.

Not that I'm the jealous type. But I'm looking for a pattern of behavior/consistencies. I've been having a hard time reading him because it feels like he's a different person when he's in front of me and when I'm reading him through his text messages. I must admit that there were times I feel like I'm talking to an entirely different person, that the passionate person I was with less than an hour ago is entirely different from the one I'm exchanging text messages with.

This is our situation now. But what happens when he leaves for Australia. Mababaliw yata ako kaiisip.

Sometimes I entertain the idea of sparing myself from the hurt and leaving while I still can. A big part of me though tells me to stay and make this budding "relationship" work. In the past, I was always the one who gave up. Some were valid, some weren't. Maybe now, I want to make things different: To let them be the one to give up first. (Not that I'm looking forward to it)

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I phoned C earlier to see how he was really doing. Checked his blog and Friendster photos and I wanted to hear his voice. I told him that it kills me to know that he's pretending to be okay for my sake. I miss him a lot, he's really one of a kind. We just match so well.

We talked about how we really never had big issues back when we were still together. We never really fought. We were smooth-sailing until he had issues with him losing his job. I thought of it as his test of character. I just didn't like what I witnessed.

But now that he's got his new Graphic Designing job, it's time for him to redeem himself. But should he be doing this for me or for himself and his family? It's such a thin line and I myself don't recognize the difference anymore.

Sometimes it feels like I left him because I was now longer secured with my future with him. And now I'm dating a career-driven guy.

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Come June 2, it'll be my 2nd month in the office. I think I'm doing just fine. I'm getting along with most of them and I've made a lot of new friends. I think I'm still on track career-wise. Still have more or less 10 months to decide which field I should focus on. Gladly, I wasn't swayed with the idea of going to Singapore with my cousin who recently left to look for a job there. I kept telling myself that I need to take things a step at a time.

Funny how hard it is for me to apply that to me love life.

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Anyway, need to get some shut eye. I miss my old friends. If you're reading this, drop me a line or two and let's setup a meeting. I need a big hug, seriously.

Have a great day tomorrow, everybody!