Wishing

I haven't even started talking about C and now it's over.

The almost 6 months that we shared has been a testimony to what I can do for somebody I love and truly cherish. My patience has been stretched over the months, but sadly it has reached the point where it eventually breaks and tears into pieces.

He lost his job a few months ago and since then he's been having a hard time finding another. Because for some reason, he couldn't get his ass off his couch. And almost every single day for the past few weeks, whenever I'd ask him how he's doing, I'd get the same answer almost every single time; that he's just watching TV, and will sleep when he gets tired.

I understand that depression can hit him, but when a lot of people is relying on him, I don't think it's reasonable to stay depressed for an extended period of time, especially when he wasn't even terminated in the first place. He left. His "recovery" is long overdue.

And to add to that, hindi ko naman pinangarap na bumuhay ng isa pang tao aside from myself. I'm earning just enough for myself to live comfortably. I can only count the times when I was able to treat my family or friends. But with C, I felt obliged to give because I couldn't stand the fact that I can spend and he can't.

Last night, over SMS, I ended it. I told him I think I've been a good partner to him over the past months. I have done what was more than required of me. I told him that it's no question how much love I've put into the relationship. And no matter how I loved someone this much for the first time in my life, I realized that I could no longer see myself growing old with him.

And I could no longer see the man I fell in love with.

What devastates me even more is tomorrow, we're supposed to celebrate our 6th month together and a week from now, he'll be celebrating his 28th birthday. He told me it's going to be his saddest.

I've no regrets though. Everything I did for him was out of love. But like what Migs told me last night, it gets really complicated when partners have different financial status. With this one, I thought I could really pull it off.

Hindi pala.

I wish everybody a good day and a happy love life.

SMS

The other day I woke up at 4:15am which was an our hour early from my normal waking time. It was still so dark outside and all I could hear was the fan blowing. It was very odd since the night before that I was dead drunk from drinking Grand Matador. I was a bit lonely coming home from work that night so I asked my cousin to join me. It feels more depressing drinking alone.

So there, I got up that early for some reason, grabbed my mobile to check if I had new messages. It was R, my ex whom I haven't talked to for quite some time. The way we parted ways wasn't very smooth. I initiated the break up and I had different reasons, mostly vague. When I look back now, I somehow feel the pain I inflicted when I abandoned him. Especially, when secretly, deep down, I know I left him for someone new. And I think this is the first time I've been honest about it.


“It might not matter to you now, but you had a great impact in my life. I just want to thank you.”


“I was scraping paint and pastel in my wall, packing things. I came across a Christmas postcard, you gave it to me after my operation. You were good to me. Salamat.”


“I took your name out of my Yahoo messenger for security measures. It's not that I didn't wanna talk anymore but because there were still 'strains'. I did love you more than you loved me, and I can say that now not because of pride, but because it just felt like so. A long story as to how I 'measured' this.

Right now I must say na tama ka: I should have opened the window for friendship, and I'm sorry if it had taken me more than half a year to realize it. Sana nga magkita ulit tayo. Pero ngayon overhaul muna ako, way past deadline na ang mga pagbabago sa akin. Thank you for entertaining these texts. Ever since, I did pray for your growth, prayed a little push to your prayers. Doon nalang kita kinakausap. Mas less hostile.

Magandang umaga!

P.S. Wala akong 'guy', I took a vow hehehe.”




We were exchanging messages at an ungodly hour. I was still half asleep, partly thinking everything was just a dream.

Now that I am with C (my new somebody) I ask myself if there's still love for R. Actually, there still is. And I don't think anybody who's been intensely involved with someone could ever lose that love. I think it's bullshit when people deny that, lest it was just something insignificant. With R, it was so different and there was a time we could see each other growing old together.

After a year and a few months, maybe we had a lot of expectations from one another that it was already too heavy to handle (and we were almost completely opposite to begin with). And we both felt the spark wasn't there anymore, I was no longer happy. So I asked for some space.

During that space, I deliberately opened myself to other people hoping to fill the void and loneliness. I was in fact looking for R in them. And I couldn't find him.

That was how I met C. And when you're there at that moment, you just feel that “it just happened”. We got along, we constantly communicated. The rest is history. But that's another story.

So what's my point?

I'm just happy that after 7 months of no communication, we're on that first step towards become friends. I'm not even sure if he know about C and I. Pero kebs, at least he's no longer hostile.

I feel like I'm fucked up, though. I was never the promiscuous kind and always went for the “serious” relationships. But then I keep on finding someone “better” and then abandoning the other. It just feels so unfair for my partners. Selfish ako. And I can't answer why.

My first puff

What is it with smoking? (Nicotine, I know)

As of late, I find myself spending my breaks smoking by myself, enjoying the strong winds that brush through the skyscrapers of Ortigas, sitting in one corner, contemplating and letting off steam. And every time I puff and breathe out, it de-stresses (if there is such a term) me for some reason. One by one, the worries somehow go away. I calm down.

I learned to smoke not too long ago. I vividly remember the first time I bought my first pack of Winston Lights, that was in November 2005. My boyfriend (at that time) and I were always fighting over his smoking habits. I wasn't a smoker at the time. And every time I ask him to quit or at the very least minimize his sticks per day, he just wouldn't listen. He tells me that smoking is a conversation starter. And I would always tell that he's smart and he can always use his brain to do that.

So I made a plan, which is to make him feel guilty for making me want smoke. That night, I had 5 sticks in a row. Not bad for an asthmatic guy like me.

Unfortunately for me, my *plan* didn't work. And more than a year and a half after that night, I am smoking more than ever. After I finished my fist pack of that Winston Lights, I switch to Philip Morris, then tried different designer brands, and then ended up with Marlboro Lights.

Now that I'm hooked, I realized that it is indeed a conversation starter. Two strangers can have an instant common ground. How convenient.

Under a pseudonym

I miss writing under a pseudonym. I don't have to go through being fearful of what others might think of me. As of this writing, I am 23 years old, with my special someone for 6 months now, and unfortunately on the rocks. But that's another story.

The last time I read a book was...I can't even the remember. The last time I watched a movie by myself was...I can't remember either. It's been quite a long time since I've done something new or exciting. I'm still in search of my "middle ground" in life. Still re-aligning my principles and setting my goals in life.

I'm an artist by profession (I won't tell what kind, at least for now) and I've been in this kind of industry for almost a year now. To be honest, I feel like a mediocre. A big fat joke in the world of designing; trying to fit in, wanting to be heard, but unworthy of the attention.

I'm probably hard on myself because as of late, I've been feeling like I missed a lot of things in my life. There are a lot of "what-could-have been". And there are a lot of things I regret doing.

Probably the real reason why I put up this blog is because I need an outlet. And also to document my progress as a person. I haven't heard from my friends for a long time now. And sometimes I'd like to think they're apathetic. But of course they have their own lives to focus on. I'm not that selfish naman.

Another reason I decided to create another blog is because I've been following this guy's blog and I'm totally hooked. He blogs about his life, his realizations, his music and book reviews. Basically anything under the sun. Reading him through his blog, I kinda share his achievements. It feels like I'm also a part of his daily life. And I miss the old days when I was still writing my heart out. And now I gotta be careful because a lot of people know me online AND offline.

Anyway, that's it for now. 'Till the next post. Have a great work week ahead of you!