Of Text Messages & Phone Calls

I noticed how my "love life" has been running my "life" as of late. Darn it, all I talk about is my heart's qualms. Must be such a bitch for you to read about it every single time.

The 2nd reason I created this blog, aside from the fact that I need a place of refuge, it's also my medium to communicate with my friends. I've got different friends from different groups (I'm not really into group of friends) and sometimes it gets exhausting to tell them the same long detailed story you've told your other friends. So to be fair, here's my life, on the internet, at your disposal.

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It's been a month and a few days since A and I started dating. And along that short span of time, I've gotten to know him a tad better. He's 26, an IT consultant for one of the biggest IT companies in the world, driven, and ambitious. I mentioned in the past that he's leaving for Australia early next year to take his Master's.

Just this evening, I happily bumped onto him online and asked what he was busy with. He says he's fixing his recommendations. I knew what that meant. Then I started getting cold and silent again. (Since this isn't the first time it happened)

What do you do when you know this dance has a big chance of coming into a halt once he leaves?

That would mean not seeing him face-to-face for a year, not knowing his whereabouts, and clueless of the people he meets there. How am I gonna face this when his text messages aren't even enough to make me feel secure? What more a long-distance budding "relationship"?

I'm the kind who heavily relies on text conversation. Even though the emotions and meanings aren't perfectly conveyed, it did work for me, for the past 3 relationships I've had. Unfortunately for me, A is a bit uncomfortable with this setup.

Not that I'm the jealous type. But I'm looking for a pattern of behavior/consistencies. I've been having a hard time reading him because it feels like he's a different person when he's in front of me and when I'm reading him through his text messages. I must admit that there were times I feel like I'm talking to an entirely different person, that the passionate person I was with less than an hour ago is entirely different from the one I'm exchanging text messages with.

This is our situation now. But what happens when he leaves for Australia. Mababaliw yata ako kaiisip.

Sometimes I entertain the idea of sparing myself from the hurt and leaving while I still can. A big part of me though tells me to stay and make this budding "relationship" work. In the past, I was always the one who gave up. Some were valid, some weren't. Maybe now, I want to make things different: To let them be the one to give up first. (Not that I'm looking forward to it)

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I phoned C earlier to see how he was really doing. Checked his blog and Friendster photos and I wanted to hear his voice. I told him that it kills me to know that he's pretending to be okay for my sake. I miss him a lot, he's really one of a kind. We just match so well.

We talked about how we really never had big issues back when we were still together. We never really fought. We were smooth-sailing until he had issues with him losing his job. I thought of it as his test of character. I just didn't like what I witnessed.

But now that he's got his new Graphic Designing job, it's time for him to redeem himself. But should he be doing this for me or for himself and his family? It's such a thin line and I myself don't recognize the difference anymore.

Sometimes it feels like I left him because I was now longer secured with my future with him. And now I'm dating a career-driven guy.

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Come June 2, it'll be my 2nd month in the office. I think I'm doing just fine. I'm getting along with most of them and I've made a lot of new friends. I think I'm still on track career-wise. Still have more or less 10 months to decide which field I should focus on. Gladly, I wasn't swayed with the idea of going to Singapore with my cousin who recently left to look for a job there. I kept telling myself that I need to take things a step at a time.

Funny how hard it is for me to apply that to me love life.

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Anyway, need to get some shut eye. I miss my old friends. If you're reading this, drop me a line or two and let's setup a meeting. I need a big hug, seriously.

Have a great day tomorrow, everybody!

Measure up

Most of the time, I can't help but compare myself with my peers/colleague. It's like I need to be at par, of far better than them to feel good about myself. And it sucks big time, knowing that things shouldn't be that way.

I have 11 months to think about my game plan. I've 3 choices for now as to what to focus on.

1. Go to Singapore and find a job.
2. Go to school.
3. Get myself a DSLR cam and be on my way to fulfilling the photographer in me.

I'm 23 as of this writing. I'll be 24 a couple of weeks from now. People say I'm still young but I feel like I need to pressure myself to be "better" than this. That I need to measure up or exceed what my parents have achieved. I want to be able to sustain the lifestyle my parents gave me before I declared my independence.

Dad would always tell me that he never dreamed of owning a Jaguar. He just did his best in everything. And I think that's one of the best pieces of advice I received.

Hay.

Have a great Monday everyone.

The week that was.

God. The weather here in Manila is just too much. I just got off the shower this morning and in less than 2 minutes, I was already sweating like hell without even doing anything.

And to add to that, my emotional turmoil isn't helping.

A lot of things happened after my previous entry. It's still overwhelmingly fast and a bit shocking.

Well to start, it so happens that last week for some odd reason, C and A found out about this blog which I was supposed to keep especially from them. So much for keeping it under a pseudonym. And silly me, keeping a journal ONLINE. I mean WTF, right? So the least I can do is change my URL.


It must've been hard for C to read the details about the time A and I got very intimate. I'm sure it crushed his heart. It also must have been difficult for A to find out that I felt like shit after doing what we did.

Sabi ng friends ko ang haba daw ng hair ko. Pero sa totoo lang, I don't even want to be in this position. I'm not the type of guy who deliberately puts himself in this situation and enjoys the egoistic experience.

I don't think it even is egoistic. It's more of "fucked up", I think.

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Last week, C and A agreed to meet up and just talk over beer. Kumusta naman ang kaba ko nang malaman ko yun. Siguro, C wanted to know kung sinong pumalit sa kanya or something like that. Though I know that it'd hurt him a lot, I really can't blame him, I think I would do the same if it happened to me too.

Alam ko namang hindi si C ang tipo na basagulero. Quite surprisingly, I think they ended up being "friends" -- that's how they like to call themselves, but I don't buy it. How can can they be when both of 'em are trying to win me?

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The next day C and I met up. I agreed to treat him over dinner since he recently signed a contract with LBC main office as a Graphic Designer. He's finally got a job! This is such a big break for him since he'll be handling promotional materials nationwide.

He only reached 1st year college and was chosen over Fine Arts graduates during the deliberation. I'm so proud of him and I hope he knows that.

Friends often ask me what happens to us now since he's already back on his feet. And what happens to A?


C wanted me back and wanted to prove himself to me. But it felt like I already gave him a chance. And I told him I wanna give A a chance this time. He said he'll wait for his turn. It doesn't feel right.

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Last night, A and I had a fight over SMS. His remarks hurt me a bit that it made me aloof the whole day. (Take note: hindi pa kami, huh?)

Just now, my officemate Maria went over my work station and handed me a box of brownies. On top of it was a post-it with a short note and "P.S. Sorry".

Galing pala kay A. Touched ako. Abot-tenga ang ngiti ko :)

Sige nga, bati na kami.

Blanko.

Blanko. Walang laman ang isip ko.
Blanko. Bulag at para bang tuliro.
Blanko. Walang halong biro.
Blanko.

Blanko. Di alam kung saan magtatagpo.
Blanko. Bumabalik na naman sa iyo.
Blanko. Pangarap na sadyang totoo.
Blanko.

Itigil na kaya natin 'to?

Sinabi ko yan sa kanya kanina.

Pabiro. Half-meant.

After dinner it started sinking in.

A's leaving for Australia 6 months from now and it tears me piece by piece knowing that he's determined to pursue his Master's far away from here, for one whole year.

I told him I can't wait that long, 1 year is a very long time. Even a month can be drastic for a *possibbly* budding relationship. And I don't think I'd want to be in that situation.

Ang bilis. Ilang weeks palang nahumaling na kami sa isa't-isa.

Don't get me wrong. I've never been particular with looks. One of the things that made me head-over-heels for him is his determination to pursue things he wants. His scholarship is his easy ticket. I want him to leave and pursue his dream.

So what happens now? Do we put this dance of ours into a halt?

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Was listening to Migs' podcast together with McVie and Gibbs. For a while I thought they were talking about me. Just so happens na Troika rin ang drama ko ngayon.

Though I'm no longer with C, it still feels like it. Feels like somehow, deep down, I'm cheating on him. Just a few hours ago we were exchanging SMS, telling him that A and I are dating. I'm not sure how he took it, but I know that he understood why I'm dating this soon.

It could be that like what McVie said on the podcast, that I might have just convinced myself that this new guy is the right person for me. Hence, me ending up leaving C.

Ah ewan. Lecheng pag-ibig 'to.

Bliss

A and I had sex last night.

Well. Almost.

If we had rubber(s) handy, we would've. My libido was in rage that's for sure.

And now I feel like shit. It's only been a few days since I broke up with C and now I'm going out with another guy.

Last night was supposed to be DVD marathon which clearly didn't happen because we were busy with "other" things. My lips are sore as I'm writing this.

A and I got acquainted several weeks ago through Flickr, the same place where I met C. I was admiring his travel photos and inquired of his expenses in one of his trips. That's how it all started. Emotional bliss at its finest.

This scenario looks familiar. Is it a cycle happening from R to C and now from C to A? (Do the math.)

I had the right reasons for leaving C.

But why doesn't last night feel right?

I hate the fact that this blog revolves around my effing love life. Being gay doesn't have to be this boy crazy.