Pseudo-Artist

Significant Five

2007-11-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

It just occurred to me that I haven't had the chance to recollect my thoughts for a long while and experience the therapeutic relief writing gives me. So I'd like to thank CC for that.

So since I'm back, I'd like to share the significant events of my life for the past 5 months:

A and I made it official last August (after the movie A Love Story. Chaka Khan, I know.) after 4 months of dating.
A got accepted at Carnegie Mellon University Australia for his Master's AND received a full scholarship which will last for a year. He's leaving by January 9, 2008.
I've asked help from his friends to organize a surprise party for him on his upcoming Australia trip. I'm hoping I could pull this off and beat his surprise party for me.
I've been following CC's blog religiously. He's in a long distance relationship. Come January, I'm joining the club.
I bought myself a DSLR camera a few months back to get serious with photography.
I recently went to Singapore for the job fair but it seemed futile. It was quite dissapointing, but I enjoyed my trip because of my companions.

Well that's all I can think of for now. Hopefully I get to write more in the next few days or so.

It's good to be back!

The Sweetest Thing on the 6th

2007-06-14T22:01:00.000+08:00

"On the 6th day of the 6th month, you will receive 6 gifts from me."

The last two birthdays I had were disastrous because of R, who was my boyfriend at that time. We would always have big fights on my big day. And so this year, I decided to do nothing even though it was my dream to have my all my friends under one roof on birthday.I ended up planning a simple dinner at home and then sleep. Enough trauma for me.

I was loaded with work on my big day. I have just minimized A's YM window as we were just exchanging messages a few minutes back.

Then I got an SMS from him asking me if I were busy. I asked why he had to still text me when we're both on YM. I then received a phone call from him. He said, "Pa'no ako mawa-YM sa'yo, eh nasa labas ako ng building mo?). My heart was pounding because I knew he was up to something and as much I like surprises, I'm embarrassed to show how I really feel. Maybe I'm not comfortable with the pressure of acting surprised.

I then went downstairs and met up with him. He handed my a piece of Post-it that said, "On the 6th day of the 6th month, you will receive 6 gifts from me."

I was right, he was indeed up to something but I didn't know what to expect.

When I went back to my office, a co-worker went over and handed me a beautiful paper bag with a very elegant ribbon around it. I though it came from her, until I noticed the tag that has "#1" written on it. I felt my heart pounding as I was nervous and excited at the same time. I opened it, and it was a very nice green long-sleeved shirt. Kaloka.

Later in the afternoon, right after I had a short cigarette break, another co-worker handed over a gift. Its tag had "#2". It was the cute tripod he promised to give me weeks ago. (He knows how I love taking photos)

Shortly after that, I received a file from him via YM. It was a Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah ticket! I've been wanting to see the play since last year. That's gift #3.

An hour later, I got an email from him with the subject: #4. It's an hour of full-body massage for 2 at Nurture Spa in Tagaytay. We've been talking about going to the spa a few weeks back and I didn't expect that we'd really be able to go there. He knew we needed this after our very stressful week.

After work, I met up with him as I invited him for dinner and sleepover at my place. He handed over a CD full of MP3s and God knows how long I've been wanting to get copies of those since every time I attempted, we end up doing something else. (You get the drift.) That's gift #5.

We then hailed a cab. I noticed him silently talking to the driver and then I realized we were on a different route. He told me he wanted to show my #6. At that time, I was already blushing, my heart extremely palpitating, and I couldn't look him in the eye. I was just too conscious and excited. I was worried because I told the peeps at home that I was gonna be home early. After half an hour or so of traveling, we arrived in Teacher's Village and went to a nearby bank. A said we were gonna drop by his friend just for a few minutes because he had to pay her. So after withdrawing, we went to this pool place where we were supposed to meet his friend.

He took me to this VIP room where he said his friend was. When the door opened, my friends just jumped from behind he pool table. He organized a surprise party for me! My friends from work and my friends from my previous company were there. Was in awe for a few minutes and almost teary-eyed. There was cake, beer, pool table and videoke. It was my surprise birthday party. It's his 6th gift, my most cherished one.

This is something I never expected and yet have always dreamed of happening on my birthday. A made it all happen. It was the best birthday of my life. Nobody has done anything as sweet and thoughtful as this. Maybe he is the one?

:)

Of Text Messages & Phone Calls

2007-05-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

I noticed how my "love life" has been running my "life" as of late. Darn it, all I talk about is my heart's qualms. Must be such a bitch for you to read about it every single time.

The 2nd reason I created this blog, aside from the fact that I need a place of refuge, it's also my medium to communicate with my friends. I've got different friends from different groups (I'm not really into group of friends) and sometimes it gets exhausting to tell them the same long detailed story you've told your other friends. So to be fair, here's my life, on the internet, at your disposal.

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It's been a month and a few days since A and I started dating. And along that short span of time, I've gotten to know him a tad better. He's 26, an IT consultant for one of the biggest IT companies in the world, driven, and ambitious. I mentioned in the past that he's leaving for Australia early next year to take his Master's.

Just this evening, I happily bumped onto him online and asked what he was busy with. He says he's fixing his recommendations. I knew what that meant. Then I started getting cold and silent again. (Since this isn't the first time it happened)

What do you do when you know this dance has a big chance of coming into a halt once he leaves?

That would mean not seeing him face-to-face for a year, not knowing his whereabouts, and clueless of the people he meets there. How am I gonna face this when his text messages aren't even enough to make me feel secure? What more a long-distance budding "relationship"?

I'm the kind who heavily relies on text conversation. Even though the emotions and meanings aren't perfectly conveyed, it did work for me, for the past 3 relationships I've had. Unfortunately for me, A is a bit uncomfortable with this setup.

Not that I'm the jealous type. But I'm looking for a pattern of behavior/consistencies. I've been having a hard time reading him because it feels like he's a different person when he's in front of me and when I'm reading him through his text messages. I must admit that there were times I feel like I'm talking to an entirely different person, that the passionate person I was with less than an hour ago is entirely different from the one I'm exchanging text messages with.

This is our situation now. But what happens when he leaves for Australia. Mababaliw yata ako kaiisip.

Sometimes I entertain the idea of sparing myself from the hurt and leaving while I still can. A big part of me though tells me to stay and make this budding "relationship" work. In the past, I was always the one who gave up. Some were valid, some weren't. Maybe now, I want to make things different: To let them be the one to give up first. (Not that I'm looking forward to it)

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I phoned C earlier to see how he was really doing. Checked his blog and Friendster photos and I wanted to hear his voice. I told him that it kills me to know that he's pretending to be okay for my sake. I miss him a lot, he's really one of a kind. We just match so well.

We talked about how we really never had big issues back when we were still together. We never really fought. We were smooth-sailing until he had issues with him losing his job. I thought of it as his test of character. I just didn't like what I witnessed.

But now that he's got his new Graphic Designing job, it's time for him to redeem himself. But should he be doing this for me or for himself and his family? It's such a thin line and I myself don't recognize the difference anymore.

Sometimes it feels like I left him because I was now longer secured with my future with him. And now I'm dating a career-driven guy.

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Come June 2, it'll be my 2nd month in the office. I think I'm doing just fine. I'm getting along with most of them and I've made a lot of new friends. I think I'm still on track career-wise. Still have more or less 10 months to decide which field I should focus on. Gladly, I wasn't swayed with the idea of going to Singapore with my cousin who recently left to look for a job there. I kept telling myself that I need to take things a step at a time.

Funny how hard it is for me to apply that to me love life.

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Anyway, need to get some shut eye. I miss my old friends. If you're reading this, drop me a line or two and let's setup a meeting. I need a big hug, seriously.

Have a great day tomorrow, everybody!

Measure up

2007-05-28T08:58:00.000+08:00

Most of the time, I can't help but compare myself with my peers/colleague. It's like I need to be at par, of far better than them to feel good about myself. And it sucks big time, knowing that things shouldn't be that way.

I have 11 months to think about my game plan. I've 3 choices for now as to what to focus on.

1. Go to Singapore and find a job.
2. Go to school.
3. Get myself a DSLR cam and be on my way to fulfilling the photographer in me.

I'm 23 as of this writing. I'll be 24 a couple of weeks from now. People say I'm still young but I feel like I need to pressure myself to be "better" than this. That I need to measure up or exceed what my parents have achieved. I want to be able to sustain the lifestyle my parents gave me before I declared my independence.

Dad would always tell me that he never dreamed of owning a Jaguar. He just did his best in everything. And I think that's one of the best pieces of advice I received.

Hay.

Have a great Monday everyone.

The week that was.

2007-05-21T13:09:00.000+08:00

God. The weather here in Manila is just too much. I just got off the shower this morning and in less than 2 minutes, I was already sweating like hell without even doing anything.

And to add to that, my emotional turmoil isn't helping.

A lot of things happened after my previous entry. It's still overwhelmingly fast and a bit shocking.

Well to start, it so happens that last week for some odd reason, C and A found out about this blog which I was supposed to keep especially from them. So much for keeping it under a pseudonym. And silly me, keeping a journal ONLINE. I mean WTF, right? So the least I can do is change my URL.

It must've been hard for C to read the details about the time A and I got very intimate. I'm sure it crushed his heart. It also must have been difficult for A to find out that I felt like shit after doing what we did.

Sabi ng friends ko ang haba daw ng hair ko. Pero sa totoo lang, I don't even want to be in this position. I'm not the type of guy who deliberately puts himself in this situation and enjoys the egoistic experience.

I don't think it even is egoistic. It's more of "fucked up", I think.

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Last week, C and A agreed to meet up and just talk over beer. Kumusta naman ang kaba ko nang malaman ko yun. Siguro, C wanted to know kung sinong pumalit sa kanya or something like that. Though I know that it'd hurt him a lot, I really can't blame him, I think I would do the same if it happened to me too.

Alam ko namang hindi si C ang tipo na basagulero. Quite surprisingly, I think they ended up being "friends" -- that's how they like to call themselves, but I don't buy it. How can can they be when both of 'em are trying to win me?

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The next day C and I met up. I agreed to treat him over dinner since he recently signed a contract with LBC main office as a Graphic Designer. He's finally got a job! This is such a big break for him since he'll be handling promotional materials nationwide.

He only reached 1st year college and was chosen over Fine Arts graduates during the deliberation. I'm so proud of him and I hope he knows that.

Friends often ask me what happens to us now since he's already back on his feet. And what happens to A?

C wanted me back and wanted to prove himself to me. But it felt like I already gave him a chance. And I told him I wanna give A a chance this time. He said he'll wait for his turn. It doesn't feel right.

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Last night, A and I had a fight over SMS. His remarks hurt me a bit that it made me aloof the whole day. (Take note: hindi pa kami, huh?)

Just now, my officemate Maria went over my work station and handed me a box of brownies. On top of it was a post-it with a short note and "P.S. Sorry".

Galing pala kay A. Touched ako. Abot-tenga ang ngiti ko :)

Sige nga, bati na kami.

Blanko.

2007-05-21T13:07:00.000+08:00

Blanko. Walang laman ang isip ko.
Blanko. Bulag at para bang tuliro.
Blanko. Walang halong biro.
Blanko.

Blanko. Di alam kung saan magtatagpo.
Blanko. Bumabalik na naman sa iyo.
Blanko. Pangarap na sadyang totoo.
Blanko.

Itigil na kaya natin 'to?

2007-05-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

Sinabi ko yan sa kanya kanina.

Pabiro. Half-meant.

After dinner it started sinking in.

A's leaving for Australia 6 months from now and it tears me piece by piece knowing that he's determined to pursue his Master's far away from here, for one whole year.

I told him I can't wait that long, 1 year is a very long time. Even a month can be drastic for a *possibbly* budding relationship. And I don't think I'd want to be in that situation.

Ang bilis. Ilang weeks palang nahumaling na kami sa isa't-isa.

Don't get me wrong. I've never been particular with looks. One of the things that made me head-over-heels for him is his determination to pursue things he wants. His scholarship is his easy ticket. I want him to leave and pursue his dream.

So what happens now? Do we put this dance of ours into a halt?

------------

Was listening to Migs' podcast together with McVie and Gibbs. For a while I thought they were talking about me. Just so happens na Troika rin ang drama ko ngayon.

Though I'm no longer with C, it still feels like it. Feels like somehow, deep down, I'm cheating on him. Just a few hours ago we were exchanging SMS, telling him that A and I are dating. I'm not sure how he took it, but I know that he understood why I'm dating this soon.

It could be that like what McVie said on the podcast, that I might have just convinced myself that this new guy is the right person for me. Hence, me ending up leaving C.

Ah ewan. Lecheng pag-ibig 'to.

Bliss

2007-05-02T09:01:00.000+08:00

A and I had sex last night.

Well. Almost.

If we had rubber(s) handy, we would've. My libido was in rage that's for sure.

And now I feel like shit. It's only been a few days since I broke up with C and now I'm going out with another guy.

Last night was supposed to be DVD marathon which clearly didn't happen because we were busy with "other" things. My lips are sore as I'm writing this.

A and I got acquainted several weeks ago through Flickr, the same place where I met C. I was admiring his travel photos and inquired of his expenses in one of his trips. That's how it all started. Emotional bliss at its finest.

This scenario looks familiar. Is it a cycle happening from R to C and now from C to A? (Do the math.)

I had the right reasons for leaving C.

But why doesn't last night feel right?

I hate the fact that this blog revolves around my effing love life. Being gay doesn't have to be this boy crazy.

Wishing

2007-04-29T08:05:00.000+08:00

I haven't even started talking about C and now it's over.

The almost 6 months that we shared has been a testimony to what I can do for somebody I love and truly cherish. My patience has been stretched over the months, but sadly it has reached the point where it eventually breaks and tears into pieces.

He lost his job a few months ago and since then he's been having a hard time finding another. Because for some reason, he couldn't get his ass off his couch. And almost every single day for the past few weeks, whenever I'd ask him how he's doing, I'd get the same answer almost every single time; that he's just watching TV, and will sleep when he gets tired.

I understand that depression can hit him, but when a lot of people is relying on him, I don't think it's reasonable to stay depressed for an extended period of time, especially when he wasn't even terminated in the first place. He left. His "recovery" is long overdue.

And to add to that, hindi ko naman pinangarap na bumuhay ng isa pang tao aside from myself. I'm earning just enough for myself to live comfortably. I can only count the times when I was able to treat my family or friends. But with C, I felt obliged to give because I couldn't stand the fact that I can spend and he can't.

Last night, over SMS, I ended it. I told him I think I've been a good partner to him over the past months. I have done what was more than required of me. I told him that it's no question how much love I've put into the relationship. And no matter how I loved someone this much for the first time in my life, I realized that I could no longer see myself growing old with him.

And I could no longer see the man I fell in love with.

What devastates me even more is tomorrow, we're supposed to celebrate our 6th month together and a week from now, he'll be celebrating his 28th birthday. He told me it's going to be his saddest.

I've no regrets though. Everything I did for him was out of love. But like what Migs told me last night, it gets really complicated when partners have different financial status. With this one, I thought I could really pull it off.

Hindi pala.

I wish everybody a good day and a happy love life.

SMS

2007-04-25T16:26:00.000+08:00

The other day I woke up at 4:15am which was an our hour early from my normal waking time. It was still so dark outside and all I could hear was the fan blowing. It was very odd since the night before that I was dead drunk from drinking Grand Matador. I was a bit lonely coming home from work that night so I asked my cousin to join me. It feels more depressing drinking alone.

So there, I got up that early for some reason, grabbed my mobile to check if I had new messages. It was R, my ex whom I haven't talked to for quite some time. The way we parted ways wasn't very smooth. I initiated the break up and I had different reasons, mostly vague. When I look back now, I somehow feel the pain I inflicted when I abandoned him. Especially, when secretly, deep down, I know I left him for someone new. And I think this is the first time I've been honest about it.

“It might not matter to you now, but you had a great impact in my life. I just want to thank you.”

“I was scraping paint and pastel in my wall, packing things. I came across a Christmas postcard, you gave it to me after my operation. You were good to me. Salamat.”

“I took your name out of my Yahoo messenger for security measures. It's not that I didn't wanna talk anymore but because there were still 'strains'. I did love you more than you loved me, and I can say that now not because of pride, but because it just felt like so. A long story as to how I 'measured' this.

Right now I must say na tama ka: I should have opened the window for friendship, and I'm sorry if it had taken me more than half a year to realize it. Sana nga magkita ulit tayo. Pero ngayon overhaul muna ako, way past deadline na ang mga pagbabago sa akin. Thank you for entertaining these texts. Ever since, I did pray for your growth, prayed a little push to your prayers. Doon nalang kita kinakausap. Mas less hostile.

Magandang umaga!

P.S. Wala akong 'guy', I took a vow hehehe.”

We were exchanging messages at an ungodly hour. I was still half asleep, partly thinking everything was just a dream.

Now that I am with C (my new somebody) I ask myself if there's still love for R. Actually, there still is. And I don't think anybody who's been intensely involved with someone could ever lose that love. I think it's bullshit when people deny that, lest it was just something insignificant. With R, it was so different and there was a time we could see each other growing old together.

After a year and a few months, maybe we had a lot of expectations from one another that it was already too heavy to handle (and we were almost completely opposite to begin with). And we both felt the spark wasn't there anymore, I was no longer happy. So I asked for some space.

During that space, I deliberately opened myself to other people hoping to fill the void and loneliness. I was in fact looking for R in them. And I couldn't find him.

That was how I met C. And when you're there at that moment, you just feel that “it just happened”. We got along, we constantly communicated. The rest is history. But that's another story.

So what's my point?

I'm just happy that after 7 months of no communication, we're on that first step towards become friends. I'm not even sure if he know about C and I. Pero kebs, at least he's no longer hostile.

I feel like I'm fucked up, though. I was never the promiscuous kind and always went for the “serious” relationships. But then I keep on finding someone “better” and then abandoning the other. It just feels so unfair for my partners. Selfish ako. And I can't answer why.

My first puff

2007-04-24T21:39:00.000+08:00

What is it with smoking? (Nicotine, I know)

As of late, I find myself spending my breaks smoking by myself, enjoying the strong winds that brush through the skyscrapers of Ortigas, sitting in one corner, contemplating and letting off steam. And every time I puff and breathe out, it de-stresses (if there is such a term) me for some reason. One by one, the worries somehow go away. I calm down.

I learned to smoke not too long ago. I vividly remember the first time I bought my first pack of Winston Lights, that was in November 2005. My boyfriend (at that time) and I were always fighting over his smoking habits. I wasn't a smoker at the time. And every time I ask him to quit or at the very least minimize his sticks per day, he just wouldn't listen. He tells me that smoking is a conversation starter. And I would always tell that he's smart and he can always use his brain to do that.

So I made a plan, which is to make him feel guilty for making me want smoke. That night, I had 5 sticks in a row. Not bad for an asthmatic guy like me.

Unfortunately for me, my *plan* didn't work. And more than a year and a half after that night, I am smoking more than ever. After I finished my fist pack of that Winston Lights, I switch to Philip Morris, then tried different designer brands, and then ended up with Marlboro Lights.

Now that I'm hooked, I realized that it is indeed a conversation starter. Two strangers can have an instant common ground. How convenient.

Under a pseudonym

2007-04-24T16:36:00.000+08:00

I miss writing under a pseudonym. I don't have to go through being fearful of what others might think of me. As of this writing, I am 23 years old, with my special someone for 6 months now, and unfortunately on the rocks. But that's another story.

The last time I read a book was...I can't even the remember. The last time I watched a movie by myself was...I can't remember either. It's been quite a long time since I've done something new or exciting. I'm still in search of my "middle ground" in life. Still re-aligning my principles and setting my goals in life.

I'm an artist by profession (I won't tell what kind, at least for now) and I've been in this kind of industry for almost a year now. To be honest, I feel like a mediocre. A big fat joke in the world of designing; trying to fit in, wanting to be heard, but unworthy of the attention.

I'm probably hard on myself because as of late, I've been feeling like I missed a lot of things in my life. There are a lot of "what-could-have been". And there are a lot of things I regret doing.

Probably the real reason why I put up this blog is because I need an outlet. And also to document my progress as a person. I haven't heard from my friends for a long time now. And sometimes I'd like to think they're apathetic. But of course they have their own lives to focus on. I'm not that selfish naman.

Another reason I decided to create another blog is because I've been following this guy's blog and I'm totally hooked. He blogs about his life, his realizations, his music and book reviews. Basically anything under the sun. Reading him through his blog, I kinda share his achievements. It feels like I'm also a part of his daily life. And I miss the old days when I was still writing my heart out. And now I gotta be careful because a lot of people know me online AND offline.

Anyway, that's it for now. 'Till the next post. Have a great work week ahead of you!